The wisdom of five year olds: two little lessons in empathy

Two more mini lessons in empathy from my five year old this week. 

The first came when his two year old sister fell off her chair at the dinner table. It was quite a bump. While I held her, crying on my lap, he quietly approached, kissed her head, put his arm round her and buried his head in my lap too. I realised he was trying to suppress his sobs. He was so affected by the thought of her pain, but he didn’t make a fuss, detracting from her suffering with his own tears. He just lay next to her, crying quietly while she recovered. It was such a spontaneous, heartfelt response. 

There are so many definitions of empathy out there. I think of it simply as the ability to understand and care about how someone else is feeling. Not trying to change it or put our own spin on it, as sympathy might.

The second lesson was yesterday in the school playground. I was describing something (I can’t remember what) and saw him grimace. I quickly tried to backtrack. He looked even more put out - ‘you’re trying to make me happy!’ he protested. I was confused. And then - ‘That’s mean!’ I was even more confused. I asked why it’s mean to try to make him happy (surely this describes my raison d'etre since bringing him into the world?). ‘Because I was sad.’ Of course. The simple wisdom of it took me aback. He wanted me to let him be sad, not try to change it. It devalues our sadness if someone tries to make it better too soon. It is also an ineffective strategy in terms of making someone feel better- we only cling more tightly to our sadness when it is devalued. What he wanted instead was for me to take his sadness seriously and understand it. 

As a mediator, we face strong emotions in every case we mediate. How we respond determines not only the likelihood of resolution but also the emotional intelligence gained by the parties. I try to do three things when I hear or see strong emotions in a party:

1. Acknowledge/name the feeling - ‘I can see you’re feeling really angry’. This validates the person’s experience and ensures they feel heard.

2. Normalise - ‘it’s ok to feel angry’. This is often a very different message to the one most workplaces send out.

3. Explore - ‘what was it about that incident that made you feel angry?’ ‘What would you like [the other party] to understand about how you felt?’

After doing this, a party is usually ready to explore alternatives or solutions. They are out of fight or flight mode and can think more logically again. 'You've said you felt angry when XYZ. What would you have preferred?' Or 'What do you need from [the other party]?'

One day I might learn to apply my professional skills to my parenting. Meanwhile I’ll take all the lessons I can from my empathetic five year old.