How to Empathise with the Death of a Fruit Fly
My 5 year old son recently came downstairs, tears streaming down his face. He was holding a tiny fruit fly in his hands. "I killed it by mistake" he said, through his tears. It was so touching, realising how deeply felt his empathy was for such a tiny creature. It was also rather inconvenient - he wanted to bury it in the garden. I spent much of my own childhood rescuing - or mourning the passing of - flies, bees, ants, stag beetles, spiders and other often down-trodden creatures. But in that moment all I could think about was how cold, dark and rainy it was outside, and how impractical a burial ceremony for a fruit fly would be right at that moment.
I had a strong urge to minimise what had happened ('don't worry - there are thousands of fruit flies in the world and they only live about a day anyway'), to make him feel better as quickly as possible ('don't feel guilty, it wasn't your fault') and ultimately (it was nearing bedtime) to distract him from it (shall we do some Lego together?'). And yet I know as a mediator that this is ineffective and also unfair to the person experiencing pain. What he needed was acknowledgement and empathy, pure and simple. 'Oh it's so, so sad and hard when creatures die isn't it? Are you ok? Do you want to tell me what happened? Would you like a cuddle?.'
I should confess here that I didn't bury the fruit fly in our cold, wet, dark back garden (that's a story for another day). And I am well aware that feeling that level of pain at the death of every fruit fly isn't sustainable for a 5 year old (or anyone), so there was some gentle explaining needed too about nature, the circle of life, fruit fly life spans etc. But this comes afterwards. After the empathy, the non-judgemental presence, the listening. It is this that allows the strong emotions to subside (because they've been heard not belittled or ignored) so that more logical thinking abilities can return.
Empathy is not about us and what we think about the gravity or not of the situation the other person is experiencing. It is about finding out more about what makes it grave for them. And sitting with them as they explore or experience it. If we can do this more, with friends, family, colleagues, perhaps they will feel more able to express their emotions without shame or embarassment as children so often do.
What situations - big or small - might you be able to support someone through this week by showing empathy? And what might get in the way of you being able to do this?
Found this useful? Why not sign up below for our newsletter and receive a weekly dose of inspiration and advice to help you build strong relationships at home and work... You’ll get a free Guide to Building Team Resilience During Uncertainty as a welcome gift too. We never spam you and you can unsubscribe easily at anytime.
