"I wish they could realise that I am a human being not a function."

This longing, expressed to me by a leader in a recent team mediation, is at the heart of so many conflicts.

A deep desire to be seen, heard, understood, considered.

But it is usually hidden under layer upon layer of accusations (they treat me badly, they don't respect me, they don't care how I feel)…

Most of the conflicts I mediate have escalated due to distance. The parties have been fearful of speaking to each other because of layer upon layer of assumptions they have made about the other. So they have stayed in their trenches, firing emails, whatsapp messages and formal complaints at each other. And this firing from a distance provokes counter-fire or avoidance, which confirms their worst fears and suspicions and causes them to dig deeper into their trenches…

Many of the teams and individuals I am working with at the moment have a similar dilemma. On the surface they are in a fairly healthy place, but there is a big, unacknowledged elephant in the room.

Some of the elephants I’ve seen include unresolved tension between two team members that plays out in team meetings, financial threats to an organisation that make the future feel uncertain…

There is a lot of tension in the air at the moment. One week into lockdown #2 and there are signs of pent up anger, anxiety, loss, loneliness all around. Aggressive driving, argumentative social media exchanges, impatient interactions in shops, family blow-ups.

If you are lucky enough not to be experiencing overt conflict at work, it is likely that there are conflicts brewing under the surface…

In a recent, very tough, team mediation, the tool that really unlocked change was Nonviolent Communication (NVC), a tool for compassionate, assertive communication. NVC is mostly taught as a tool for communicating a difficult message. And with good reason - it is a powerful tool for centred speaking. But its hidden power is in helping us to listen with compassion.

The senior team in question was stuck in a cycle of mistrust that felt never-ending, because everything they were hearing from each other confirmed their judgements and fears…

Just before lockdown, Dr Rachel Morris interviewed me for her brilliant 'You are not a frog' podcast about how to manage difficult conversations that arise during change, crisis and conflict. The recording is now live and our conversation is even more relevant today, as leaders navigate perpetual uncertainty and as teams figure out how to work together in our changed world…

My 3 year old loves flowers. Yesterday I gave her some that I had found on the ground. She was so delighted - repeatedly and lovingly arranging them, smelling them, gazing at them. And then I inadvertently said something that provoked an outburst of anger and she started hysterically ripping them to shreds in protest. It was a tragi-comic moment, seeing her do something so pointless and destructive that hurt no one but herself…

The cycle of mistrust is a tragic, but common, dynamic in workplace relationships. I see it play out in most, if not all, of the workplace conflicts I mediate. It often starts with small misinterpretations but can quickly spiral out of control. How can we break the cycle? Here are some strategies I use during mediation or conflict coaching sessions, along with a story from a recent mediation…

Fear of conflict - one of Patrick Lencioni’s Five Dysfunctions of a Team. ‘Artificial harmony’ is a sign of this dysfunction. Teams develop a fear of conflict when trust is absent. Conversely, leaders who model and encourage vulnerability build a trusting environment which makes constructive conflict possible…